Through The Motions

I want to write something but I don’t know what.
I’m torn between ranting about my anger & frustration or rambling about uninteresting-to-everyone-but-me things that make me feel good.

I’m just worrying that if I start ranting then it’ll bring all those feelings right to the surface and right at this moment I’m not too sure I could handle that.

Okay.
Think positive. (which reminds me of a message I have in my askbox.. which I shall answer soon btw.)

So, I haven’t seen Irene for 2 weeks. (On Monday it will have been 2 weeks)
Last time I did see her, she came into my house and my Mother spoke with her a little (I had asked her to because, while I can’t speak fully with my Mother, I can at least get words out which is more than I can do with Irene).
So they spoke, I sat there listening and it ended with the idea that I am to write a letter for Irene which my Mother will then drop in at her office, Irene will read it, work things out and then call me to set our next meeting.
There is apparently no rush but I still feel extremely stressed over it because I feel that if I take too long to write it then Irene will assume I want to stop seeing her or that I don’t care about getting better. All of which is not true, of ‘course.
So yes. Stressful.

Umm. I have begun reading the Skulduggery Pleasant series, which I was given for Xmas but never got around to reading before now, simply because it never really seemed that interesting to me.
Well. I was wrong. I am loving it so far!

I changed my desktop background last night.
By the time I came on the computer today I had forgotten so when I saw the  new background it was kind of like.. I don’t know.. a nice surprise?
Just a little thing but it made me smile.
Then again, how can you not smile at this gorgeous person;

This is just going to be my background forever now. He’s so pretty!

My Father is making me feel so frustrated and so angry and to be honest? I’m not even sure why.
No. Not true. I do know why.
Just small things maybe, but they pile up.
He talks down to me, so condescending. He keeps saying things about me being in my room instead of downstairs, which is royally pissing me off. He’s saying it because, according to him, I should be downstairs ALL THE TME not in order to keep an eye on the chickens.
No. Just- No! I am already downstairs A LOT more than I used to be. When I am upstairs, I go down regularly to check on them; check for eggs, their water, etc.
Fuck I don’t know. That and a bunch of other things. I just truly cannot stand being around him right now (I never really enjoyed being near him but now I truly can’t).

Ugh, I’m going to go and read or stare at pictures of Eunhyuk or something.

♥

So I’m not too sure how I feel, still.

Today, in itself, is about as good as it gets for me.
So I’m savouring that while it lasts.

Other than that, I really do feel like I’m at the bottom.
It’s just a constant struggle not to fall into the peace that death does offer.
But I’m fighting.
I don’t want to die. I don’t think I want to die..
I mean I want to die but I don’t.
Does that.. make sense?

Anyway. I’m determined not to write myself into a depressed rut right now and ruin the first good day I’ve had for a while.

Nails are fun.

This was last weeks nails.
I wanted bright and it was also proof to a certain person that I am not, in fact, allergic to colour..
I was going to do them all striped but figured it looked better with just the two.

Well. Yes. My life is very dull right now.
Hah, who am I kidding. My life is always very dull.

Wow. I truly have nothing else to say.

…

♥

My appointment with Irene yesterday was horrible.
I couldn’t face the walk so we went straight to the office to ‘talk’.

She was sitting there asking if I wanted to keep doing the walk, if I thought it was helping or would help to continue, if I had any other idea for what we could do or what might help.
I got pretty upset through this and ended up in tears.

Then she asked me what’s so hard?

What’s so hard? Living is so hard. Trying not to take my life and end this is so hard. Finding the will to get up out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is lie there, all day, crying and wishing it would all just stop, is so hard. Not being able to communicate with people because I’m so damn afraid of what they’ll think of me and what I say is so hard. Knowing that even if I do ‘get better’ in the future I’ll never have a good/real life because I can’t do anything, is so hard.  Knowing that my life is so empty, and so meaningless, that there is nothing and no-one on this Earth who is worth sticking around for and no-one who would miss me if I was gone, is so hard.

Of ‘course I didn’t say any of that. Couldn’t say any of that. I just sat there, in tears, hating myself for the fact that I could only sit there, in tears.

I’m sinking so low lately. I’m so far down and I really tried not to end up here again. I’ve tried to pretend that I’m okay, that I’ve been managing to keep myself up but I’ve not. I’ve been failing miserably and I’ve now completely lost the will to pretend.
I just want it all to go away. It’s so unfair! I don’t deserve all this, I can’t deserve all this!
It hurts too fucking much and I just don’t want it. I feel like I can’t handle it anymore.
I want it gone. Please. Just, fuck! I just need it all to stop.

MY grandparents came to visit today. To see the chickens.
It was cool.
I felt so awkward though.
I generally always feel that way around my Grampa but I never feel awkward around my Gran.
So it sucks, it feels truly horrid that I feel so lost and shy now around even people who I should be so comfortable with.

Whatever.
I’ve had relative peace today as my Sister went to her boyfriends’ house last night (& took her son with her) and they aren’t coming back until tomorrow night.
My Father seems to be trying to make up for her missing presence though because he has certainly stepped up the moaning/complaining/insulting today.
So I did end up cutting. Thanks for that dearest Father of mine, You’re the best dad ever!

Yep.
So now I’m sitting up here in my room, eating pretzels and watching Hollyoaks (still).
Bet you all want my life!

Today I’ve honestly just been more bored than anything.

Boredom for me is a bad thing. Boredom leads to a lot of thinking. Negative thinking. Which usually leads to cutting. Which it did.

So that happened.

Then my Mother was going to the pet shop and I went with her for the drive. Didn’t leave the car obviously.

I got very irritated with my sister.
The reason may sound very insignificant but it’s more the feeling behind it, I guess.
She had been sitting in my parents room with her boyfriend while I was downstairs then she and her boyfriend went out for a while and I went up to my room. Passing my Mothers room I saw one of my pens lying on her bed. I felt really mad.

See, I know it sounds silly but the point is she went into my bedroom and through my stuff and then simply took something that didn’t belong to her without even asking first.
Plus, the pen she took is actually quite and expensive pen, a gift, which I don’t even use because, sad as it may seem, I want to just keep it. Part of my OCD makes keeping a pen that doesn’t work drive me nuts so I don’t want to use it because then when it runs out I’ll end up needing to throw it away and I don’t want to do that.

I know it sounds dumb. Getting angry over a pen but really, it’s just more the stuff behind it. If she had just asked to borrow a pen then I’d have given her one. One that I used and it would have meant she wouldn’t have been in my room rummaging through my personal belongings without permission.

I feel myself about to go off on a huge tangent regarding my sisters most frustrating faults and I really don’t want to because that will just get me upset right now and I’m trying to avoid that because my arm is still aching.

Y’know, I managed to get distracted for over about 4 minutes just staring at that Zhoumi & Eunhyuk GIF when I was answering the message. I feel sad.  x)
(I’m sorry but Eunhyuk is just the most adorable man I’ve ever seen. That smile!)

I’m tired.
I’m going to go and watch some really old Hollyoaks episodes (like 2006 old) for a few hours then go to bed.
Yesterday I got the sudden urge to watch the entire John-Paul & Craig storyline right from the beginning. So that is exactly what I’m going to do.

♥♥